Cooking with Loths – Jamaican Tears

Today, we’ll be making some super simple drinks that are great to take away for beach parties and/or for being homeless and desperate for alcohol. Before we start with the details, let’s just go ahead and make a quick inventory of what ingredients we have available. We’ll keep things simple and only use what we actually have in the pantry.

Which is not much, my friends. So, without further ado, I present you the ingredients:

5 Grapefruit (Grapefruits? Grapefri?)
3/4 Litres of Dark Rum
Enough sugar to deafen your misery

We’ll start off with the healthy part of this recipe. Grab your household juicer and pop the grapefruits in there. It’s advised to peel them first, although if you enjoy to add some extra bitterness to your life, go right ahead and put them in as is. While the juice is being extracted, look around and realize you don’t actually have any containers you can store your final drink in to take it down to hobo city. Alas, attentive person that you are, you suddenly remember an almost empty bottle of Mead of the sauciest variety hiding away under your bed.

I feel dirty just looking at this.

Gulp back whatever was left in the bottle and put the cork on the side so you can close it back up later. Finish with the juice and take a quick swig to make sure it tastes alright. Find out its taste can only be described by the words “putrid” and “lovecraftian”

Next, we’ll need to pour enough rum to fill up the empty bottle by about 1/3 to half. Take this now half empty bottle and add the grapefruit juice until it’s not-empty. Watch as the liquids curdle and turn, in similar fashion as your stomach will once you taste this abomination. Here is where the sugar comes in and saves the day. Pour about one and a half cup into the thin bottleneck while your flatmate walks in to blankly stare at you. By the time she walks out, slowly shaking her head, you’ll have poured enough sugar to ruin your teeth forever. Get a knife to loosen some of the sugar which has now crusted up in the top part of the bottle and shake it, with the cork tightly wedged on.

You will now have an awfully looking, awfully tasting beverage to take to the beach. Enjoy sitting underneath the stars on a cardboard box while you drink your worries away and pretend not to have any places you had to go and were free to roam the world whilst not sitting on some island on the bottom of the world.



Cooking with Loths – Diabetes Pockets

Do you ever sit around at home, doing nothing in particular other than feeling somewhat sick for no discernible reason, and suddenly crave something so sugary that the mere sight of it will send your pancreas into a spiral of never-ending self loathing? Of course you do. So here comes Loths on his magnificent mount, a knight in unwashed armor, ready to save your day.

Here’s what you’ll need:

1 small organic apple you were given by your mother

2 slices of godawful cheap supermarket rye bread

4 spoonfuls of cheap homebrand Nutella knockoff (not the teaspoons, the bigger ones. Yeah, those.)

1/4 of a block of white and milk chocolate

1 stick of cinnamon

Sugar, to taste

and not a shred of dignity.


Let’s get on with it. First, spread the shitty plastic tasting chocolate spread on your even shittier rye bread. You may think this is a bad combination of foods at first. Let me assure you; it is. Cut up the apple and spread it evenly over the bread. As you’re doing that, get carried away with it and begin carving a face into the poor, unsuspecting piece of fruit.

Heh. Look at him.

Oh. Sorry. Where we we? Right, break off a few pieces of chocolate and spread them out on top of the apple. This will greatly add a faint note of burnt cocoa to your snack, an all time favourite flavour. On a side note, that makes two words members of non-commonwealth countries don’t know how to spell. Crumb your sugar on there if you don’t yet hear your teeth crying out in anticipated agony.

It’ll only go downhill from here.

Slip the second slice of bread imitation on top and cram your ungodly creating into a toastie press. Run off to boast about your cooking on the social media outlet of your choice and joke about how you are now typing up a recipe whilst your sandwich burns to a crisp. Then, type up a recipe whilst your sandwich burns to a crisp. Run towards the smell of burning rubber and retrieve your toastie from the machine. By this point, it will have probably mixed with the ashes of old cheese residue. Great spice, I can only recommend it. However, it will probably still be lacking in zest. Scour the kitchen for anything that you could possibly add to it to make it worse. Discover a shaker of chilli powder.
Right next to it, there will be some sticks of cinnamon. Help yourself to one of them and attempt to crumble some off onto your steaming pile of future congestion. You will probably realize that cinnamon is a lot tougher than it looks. The solution to this new problem is rather simple, just grab a cheese grater and give that a go. If you shave off a slice of your middle finger, that should be alright since you sliced off a slice of your index finger the night before and it was getting a little lonely.

Not pictured: ghastly tentacles
Not pictured: ghastly tentacles

Your spawn of R’Lyeh resembling snack is now finished. I hope you enjoyed this adventure and don’t spend too much time bent over the toilet before you get a chance to tell the world about your culinary discoveries.



Cooking With Loths – Season 0, Episode 2

Tonight it’s time for something very unusual. Correct, I’m talking about the exotic dish of Pasta Bake. Again.

First of all, we need ingredients. Let’s head over and stock up on your usual cheap pasta and ready-made pasta bake sauce. While walking around aimlessly trying to guess where to find all these things, make sure to stock up on so much chocolate and cupcakes and various shit that in the end the ratio of food to crap is about 1:1. While you’re standing in line for the checkout dreaming away about how much you hate everything, realise a female voice is calling your name. For a few seconds, become somewhat overexcited at the thought of running into/having friends.
Turn around to look and realise it’s a middle aged Korean woman calling out for her son, whose name happens to be the same as yours.

When you get home, disregard pasta for a few hours and pig out on muffins.

Once you have achieved a satisfying level of misery, continue.
Empty pasta into a pot and cook it for about twice as long as it says on the packet with half a cup of salt mixed into the water. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to somewhere along the lines of 200 degrees. Celsius is preferred, Fahrenheit would probably do just as well.
After cooking the pasta to death, pop it into a oversized container, mix in the pasta sauce and cook the entire thing for about 5 minutes less than you probably should.

Sit back to watch some good ol’ movies and try your best to enjoy.